volver-a-empezar

EMPEZAR DE NUEVO

Estoy a punto de empezar una nueva etapa. Y quiero acordarme de este momento. Justo cuando estoy a punto de saltar, en mi punto de partida. Quiero acordarme del miedo, de la ilusión, de la tristeza y de la alegría. Así soy yo. Tantos sentimientos en un segundo.

Y necesito escupir todo lo que tengo dentro. Escupir. Nunca antes habría utilizado esta palabra, pero sí ahora. Ahora cuando no soy capaz de decir que quiero explicarte, hacerte entender… NO. Solo quiero escupir lo que tengo dentro, volver a empezar limpia, sin estos sentimientos tan feos que me hacen sentir tantas veces en constante equilibrio. Y tantas veces sentir que pierdo ese equilibrio, esa batalla.

Porque la guerra sé que no la he perdido. Dentro de este miedo, de esta (no) valentía, siento que tengo ganas de empezar. Necesito hacerlo. Necesito demostrarme que no soy alguien tan triste como para quedarme en estos sentimientos feos. Y digo feos porque a mi, personalmente, no me aportan nada.

Está muy bien llorar, crecer, sentir tristeza, porque es un sentimiento tan válido como sonreír. Pero nadie dice no quiero sonreír más, no quiero reír más. Y en cambio hay veces que estás tan cansada de llorar, de sentir tristeza, que dices hasta aquí. Ya está bien. Ya no puedo más.

Y es entonces cuando se abre una brecha de luz. Cuando dices bueno, pues ya está, hasta aquí. Y decides darte una oportunidad. Porque tienes tantas cosas en tu vida que a veces se te olvidan. La risa de tu hijo, esa risa que le nace de dentro. Las cosquillas antes de dormir. Los buenos días de besos dulces. Las ilusiones. El sol de primavera cuando aún no lo esperas. La lluvia cuando crees que ya se ha marchado. 

Así que aquí estamos. La mochila cargada y los pasos firmes. Empezamos de nuevo, una vez más, seguro que no la última.

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