Cuanto tiempo he pensado en esta entrada y cuanto la he retrasado. Más de dos años. Acabó 2016, pasó 2017, también 2018… y casi entrando en la primavera de 2019, vuelvo a mi rincón, donde empezó todo. Y han pasado tantas cosas, que ahora sí que no sé como empezar.

¿Por qué he tardado tiempo en volver? Por falta de tiempo, por excusas, porque llegó un momento que ya no sabía como explicar lo que me estaba pasando. Hasta que he decidido que no tengo que explicarlo todo de golpe, que puede ser poco a poco y sin atragantarme con mis palabras.

Leo, repaso las entradas de hace tanto tiempo y me cuesta reconocerme. En algunas no lo hago. En otras sigo siendo yo. Esto me indica que he cambiado, a veces pienso que para mejor. Otras que el tiempo va pasando y sigo estancada en algún punto que no me gusta.

Mi vida ha cambiado, ha dado un giro total y ya no tiene nada que ver a mi última entrada, en la que aún estaba en otro mundo. Otro mundo lejano en el que era otra yo.

Seguimos siendo dos, Manuel sigue siendo parte de mi y yo de él. Escribo esto mientras hemos pasado otra noche sin dormir. Ayer me reía con una entrada mía en la que explico que Manuel duerme bien. Mentira, o no al menos ahora. Me cuesta acordarme (¿alguna vez existió?) de una noche en la que no haya sido un drama ir a la cama, pasar la noche, que no se sienta “solito”.

La maternidad se repite. Piensas que pasará el tiempo y todo cambiará. Y sí, hay nuevas cosas, pero la personalidad, la esencia, queda ahí. Y ya no me sirven las frases de “cuando coma cereales”, “cuando vaya a la guarde”, “cuando cumpla dos años”… Ahora solo confío en la última que he escuchado: “los tres años y medio son el verdadero cambio”.

Solo me quedan cinco meses y quince días para comprobarlo. ¿Me sigues leyendo y te lo cuento?

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