yo confieso

Yo confieso

Yo confieso que no es nada fácil ser madre. Que han pasado más de cuatro meses y aún hay días que miro a Manuel y pienso ¿seré capaz? Y luego me digo a mi misma, me convenzo, de que claro que sí, que yo puedo con esto y con mucho más.

Y es que aún hay días que se me hace cuesta arriba, que necesito coger aire, respirar de forma consciente, inspirar con fuerza y soltar el aire muy despacio. Y mirarme y reconocerme en este nuevo papel. Que no quiero que sea el único. Porque soy madre, pero también quiero ser muchas cosas más. Y cuesta. Cuesta quitarte la culpa de encima. Decidir entre empezar a trabajar y que otros te críen y cuiden a tu bebé o quedarte en casa cuidándolo tu. Y hay días que dices sí, empiezo a trabajar, y me da igual que me reconozcan o no. Lo único que quiero es por unas horas, además de madre seguir siendo mujer, hija, amiga.

YO CONFIESO QUE NO PUEDO MÁS

Y sientes culpabilidad cuando piensas todo esto, cuando te lo tienes que callar para no parecer mala madre. Porque está en nuestra naturaleza ser madres y una vez que lo eres, no puedes quejarte. Que poder decir que estoy cansada, que necesito dormir o que hoy no me apetece cocinar debería poder decirse con total libertad. Pero no. Se nos pide que con el carné de madre también tenemos que ser fuertes. No hace falta dormir, no hace falta descansar, no necesitamos ser nosotras mismas. Y por supuesto, está prohibido quejarse. 

Hace ya algunos meses te explicaba que no puedo con todo. Han pasado tres meses desde esa entrada y me sigo reconociendo. Sí, me habría gustado escribir que ahora soy perfecta. Pero no. No lo he sido durante mis casi 29 años de vida ¿porque lo voy a ser ahora? 

¿Tu también sientes que se nos exige ser perfectas? ¿Te has sentido alguna vez como yo?

162 comentarios en “Yo confieso

  1. Alguna vez??? Me siento así casi cada día.
    La verdad es que no nos podemos quejar. Tenemos que ser unas super mamás. Sacrificadas, amorosas y dispuestas a todo.
    En esa época estival me mata no poder estar con ella tanto como quisiera y al final pasa lo que pasa. Que la culpabilidad toma conciencia y es un sin vivir.
    Muchos ánimos. No estás sola

    Muas

    1. La verdad es que nos sentimos culpables tanto si nos quedamos en casa como si nos vamos a trabajar. Parece que el concepto de madre va siempre unido a culpabilidad. Una pena. ¡Un abrazo muy fuerte!

  2. Hola guapa! Pero si es totalmente normal! Llevábamos toda la vida siendo muchas cosas y la maternidad absorve tanto que muchas solo las podemos seguir haciendo a medias o ni eso.
    Pero como cualquier cosa que requiere muchas horas, el día tiene 24 y no mas, no podemos clonarnos!
    El momento de volver al trabajo va a ser duro, pero cuando sientas que lo necesitas, escúchate, la buena madre es la que se escucha también a ella, si estás bien, lo harás mejor que si te sientes frustrada y eso no te deja disfrutar de la maternidad.
    Yo disfrutaba mucho con mi hijo, tanto que dejé otras cosas que me llenaban porque él me gustaba mas, me encanta estar con bebés, me dedicaba al cuidado de personas y es mi vocación, porque me recordaba a mi trabajo.

    Pero yo confieso que el peque ya me agota y no voy a permitir que me vea todo el día frustrada y agotada porque no llego a todo, necesita mas energía y alegría, mas horas. Si la casa y demás necesitan 4-5h, las mascotas 1h, etc etc, al final sumo y me salen días de 30h y es imposible.
    Así que he contratado una niñera y yo que adoro a mi hijo y tantos niños he cuidado, pues reconozco mis límites, necesito ayuda, para tener un hijo entretenido y feliz sin que tenga que rogar atención.mientras limpio, un hogar sano y sobre todo, ser una mujer feliz . Las guarderías son una ayuda para cuando las necesitemos, si necesitas niñera, abuelas o guarde, adelante!!!
    Haz lo que te haga sentir mejor y darás lo mejor de ti a tu niño. Todas nos cansamos, es muy duro!!! No es de mala madre quere lo mejor para tu niño! No te lo cría otro, seguirás cuidándole al llegar a casa y él feliz de añadir cuidadores, aportan muchas novedades, los bebés adoran ser queridos cuanto mas, mejor. Un abrazo

    1. En primer lugar, ¡mil gracias por tus palabras! La verdad es que también es importante ser conscientes de que no podemos con todo, que tambien necesitamos descansar. El día tiene 24 horas, pero no todas son para trabajar, cuidar y entretener. También necesitamos descansar, cuidarnos nosotras y coger fuerzas. Y lo que parece tan natural explicado así, no me parece tan normal cuando lo intento llevar a la práctica. Será cuestión de tiempo y de aprender a conocerme mejor. ¡Un abrazo fuerte!

  3. Tranquila que no eres la única. Yo ahora me siento agobiada porque me incorporó al trabajo en 15 días dejando al peque con 4 meses y 15 días….y me siento fatal porque no se como nos vamos adaptar los dos con el tema lactancia…y me parece que solo yo se lo que tiene y como calmarlo y más ahora que parece que la calor y la boca empieza hacer mella…en fin…ese es nuestro papel día a día.

    1. Sí, en eso tienes razón. Quiero creer que a quien se lo dejemos sabrán cuidarlo, pero como nosotras… Mucho ánimo, tiene que ser muy duro separarse de el pequeño. ¡Un abrazo fuerte!

  4. Este es el gran fraude de nuestra época: el vender que somos todas superwoman. Listas, guapas, perfectas, siempre contentas y felices, sin derecho a la réplica, y aunque no lo parezca es un estereotipo tremendamente machista. Lo cierto es que somos personas, con los mismo deseos y necesidades que antes de convertirnos en madres. Yo adoro a mis hijas, las quiero con locura, a veces las miro mientras se bañan o duermen y se me derrite el corazón, pero me extenúan, me llevan al límite de mis fuerzas y eso me hace gritar más de la cuenta, enfadarme más de la cuenta. Y luego, claro, me arrepiento. No podemos ser perfectas y, en realidad, nadie, más que nosotras, nos lo exige. Así que yo confieso, como tú, que necesito un respiro. Que no puedo más. Que no doy más de mi. Y la culpa para quien la quiera…

    1. Pues me quedo con tu última frase, la culpa para quien la quiera. Que difícil es aceptarnos y aceptar que somos personas, con nuestros errores, nuestras capacidade y nuestra forma de ser. ¡Un abrazo fuerte!

  5. Me ha encantado tu “confesión “. He de confesar también que, a mis 33 años y con tres niños (de 6, 3 años y una bebé de 6 meses) no sólo me he sentido así sino que he aprendido a intentar que no me afecte el pensar que sí hay madres perfectas (imagino que las hay… pero menos ).
    Si quieres reírte un poquito y dejar de pensar que eres la única pásate por mi blog y lee esta entrada
    http://uncorchoenlacocina.blogspot.com.es/2016/05/soy-de-esas-madres-que.html?m=1

    Un abrazo!

    1. Yo creo que no las hay, porque no hay tampoco personas perfectas. Hay días mejores y días peores pero mientras haya amor, todo se puede solucionar :) ¡Paso por tu blog! ¡Un abrazo!

  6. Hola.
    Asi se siento yo cada dia y no trabajo. Me quede parada y justo me quede embarazada. En un primer momento decidi no buscar trabajo hasta que mi peque tuviera unos 9 meses, pero al final he tenido que esperar mas por una operación que tenian que hacerle a mi niño que ya tiene 21 mes. Y seguramente en septiembre lo tengan que volver a operar. Asi que me paso las 24 horas del dia con él, que es genial lo disfruto mucho. Pero a veces no puedo más y solo tengo ganas de llorar. Recinozco que de vez en cuando hace falta desconectar y estoy deseando trabajar y todo eso me hace sentir culpable y mal.
    Asi qye gracias. Viene muy bien leer a alguien que se siente como tú.
    Un saludo

    1. Parece que si lloramos o nos sentimos mal somos peores madres. Y creo que no. Un trabajo tiene horario, el nuestro no. Son 24 horas y es normal estar cansadas, tener ganas de llorar. Solo hay que saber cuando parar, respirar un poquito y volver a coger la rutina con ganas. Y con mucho amor ;) ¡Un abrazo fuerte!

  7. Ánimo Arantxa, es difícil pero es así.
    Lo bonito es muy bonito pero la parte oscura de la maternidad no se va a esfumar, también estará siempre ahí. Porque es un acto que supone mucho esfuerzo, pero que aporta mucho amor. Amor del bueno, con mayúsculas, del que se recibe tanto como se da. Y eso, nadie más que tu hijo puede ofrecértelo. Hay que hacerse a la idea (eso es lo más difícil) de que nada es siempre maravilloso, pero por suerte, tampoco es siempre agotador.

    Y muchas veces no es sólo el gran esfuerzo físico y mental que exige, sino soportar la carga que quienes están alrededor nos imponen con sus consejos (que parece que hay que obedecer), sus frustraciones personales (que intentan cargar en nosotras) o esas ayudas que parecen desinteresadas (y en realidad no lo son). Hay que intentar flotar por encima de todo esto, y además, también de la culpa y del cansancio.

    Nadie dijo que fuese fácil, nos cuentan sólo lo bonito. Es el mecanismo que la humanidad trae “de serie” para no extinguirse, ya que muchas personas se lo pensarían mucho antes de tener hijos si supieran lo que supone realmente. Sólo las personas más seguras, las más convencidas, las más valientes y las más generosas lo harían, pero quizá no fuesen suficientes… y eso a la especie en general, no le interesa por lo que ya he dicho.

    Pero, mira… a pesar de todo:
    Yo os confieso que me he quedado con las ganas de un tercer baby.
    No digo más :)

    1. Mónica, yo cada noche, cuando mi enano duerme y se respira paz, le digo a mi chico: oye ¿vamos a por el segundo? Y mientras lo pienso me digo a mi misma que estoy loca, pero que vale la pena. Los momentos difíciles, de estrés, de no poder más no tienen nada que ver con los momentos plenos, donde una sonrisa o una mirada lo llenan todo. Muchísimas gracias por tus palabras bonita, no sabes lo necesarias que son muchas veces :) ¡Un abrazo!

  8. Te entiendo perfectisimamente. Yo si me quejo demasiado lo que obtengo de los demas es: “no tienes paciencia” si estoy cansada no se lo creen. Como no trabajo fuera de casa… pero dentro de esta si que lo hago y mucho.
    Para no dejar de ser yo misma (aunque hay días en los que ni me acuerdo de como era antes de ser madre) en los ratos que mi enana se echa la siesta aprovecho para leeros, ver algun capitulo o coser… y si no fuera por esos ratitos!! Cuanta falta hace desconectar aunque sea media hora…
    Hay días que se hacen cuesta arriba pero la rutina (en mi caso) es una tabla de salvación.
    Te mando un beso grande! Ánimo!

    1. Tienes toda la razón, que bien va la rutina, esos momentos para ti en que, además de madre, eres mujer. Cuesta mucho, pero también vale la pena cada día. ¡Un abrazo!

  9. mi Ema aún no nace y me hago esa pregunta de ¿Seré capaz?…la maternidad es un rol desafiante y le tengo mucho respeto y miedo….pero no me cabe duda de que lo estás haciendo bien…como me dijeron por ahí: “Esas mamás que dicen desvivirse y ser solo madres y estar encima del crió y que opinan de tu forma de hacer maternidad y que dicen que eres mala madre…..al final, son más mala madre que una”

    1. ¿Sabes qué? Que se puede. Poco a poco, sin exigirse más de lo necesario, viviendo el día a día y superando momentos difíciles. Y disfrutándolo a tope ¡por supuesto! ¡Un abrazo!

  10. Hola
    Yo estoy pasando un momento realmente duro en el que no se si huir. tirarme por el puente que hay junto a mi trabajo… lo miro cada día y tiene la vaya baja y es como un 5º piso, me acuesto pensando que ojala no me despierte al día siguiente y es que siento que esto de la liberacion de la mujer es la GRAN MENTIRA, ahora ademas de seguir haciendo la casa, cuidar a los hijos y estar pendientes de todo comprar, donde esta esto y lo otro, preparar comidas cenas… bolsas de deyanos, meriendas… tenemos que trabajar porque lo cierto es que en lo que antes (no hace siglos, no… 30 años mas o menos) con lo que uno trabajaba fuera de casa vivia una familia y compraban casa y coche y ahora ni pensar en dejar de trabajar porque la hipoteca es de 3 veces su valor actual y podriamos estar viviendo en un chalet por lo que vale un mini piso de dos habitaciones asi es que dejar el trabajo para tener una prisa menos, una responsabilidad menos no es una opcion y hay que rendir… no vale solo con ir de figurante.
    tengo dos hijos uno de 3 para 4 a final de verano y otro de año y 2 meses. con el primero no dormi absolutamente nada en año y medio, media hora aqui una hora alla… lloraba todo el dia y toda la noche y solo callaba si salia de paseo a la calle, momento que el se dormia pero no yo no podia… ganas me entraban de dormir en un banco o un portal… pero nada, en 4 meses empece a tener unos brotes de psoriasis terribles (no tenia antes), queratitis (tenia los ojos muy secor para mi edad y estaban irritados y lo blanco rojo como si tubiese un derrame enorme de sangre en el ojo) me tire asi mas de un año con colirios y tratamientos (y sin dormir casi nada asi es la cosa no mejoraba porque dormir no entra dentro del tratamiento). No tenemos familia cerca, y no conocemos a nadie, me daba miedo dejarle con nadie asi esque iba a la guarde lo minimo por la mañana yo le cuidaba a medio dia le dejaba en una guarde dos horas y mi marido estaba con el por la tarde, siempre se le habia caido, o no le cortaba las uñas o no le habia hecho cena…. que ira y que impotencia, que tenia que estar a todo y la que se levantaba todo el rato a atenderle yo… si le atendia yo se callaba enseguida si le atendia el lloraba hasta que me levantaba yo… hasta que me puse a gritarle que no podia mas y que me estaba muriendo ya, que si no me ayudaba me iba a morir. y empezo a ponerle interes en consolarle cuando lloraba por la noche. aunque me depertaba cada vez porque le oia siempre si no me levantaba lograba dormirme de nuevo si no por cansada que estuviera no podia dormirme en una hora o dos y se me justaba con la sigueinte peticion de agua o pis… cuando empezo a dormir 6-8 h seguidas decidimos tener el 2 º porque si no no ibamos a tener mas si nos acomodabamos en que ya podiamos dormir, por suerte el segundo dormia y comia y aunque me despertaba para la teta al quedarse dormido segun terminaba yo descansaba algo mas por la noche. pero luego llego la locura total, mami caca… limpia un culo mientras el otro llora desconsolado porque quiere teta para antes de ayer…” mami deja a dani y juga conmigo” y dani que llora que se caga y que no le puedes dejar solo nada mas que si duerme pero que tambien quiere su parte, levante pronto para preparar desayunos ropas, ducharte levanta y viste llega en hora trabaja y sin comer y con tan solo un cafe en el cuerpo recoge de la guarde vete a casa dales la merienda mientras (con suerte si has conseguido cocinar el fin de semana) comer sobras recalentadas o cualquier porqueria facil de comer en 5 min a las 17 h … mi llegada a casa cada tarde despues de un duro dia de trabajo siempre es con el pequeño llorando desde que entramos por la puerta reclamando su merienda, el mayor repitiendo 20 veces pon me un dibujo mami, ponme un dibujo mami, ponme un dibujo mami…. mientras intentas dejar tu carga de mochilas, bolsitas de merienda, bolso… llaves … te entran ganas como poco de gritar basta!!!!! ¿pero de que serviria? asi es que me pongo sarcastica, les atiendo y luego intento comer pero el pequeño se pone a llorar agarrado a mi pierna y comer es casi no se como describirlo… o le ignoras y comes o de los nervios no comes o engulles para atenderlo y que deje de llorar… he probado las tres opciones… mis nervios no pueden mas, y luego llega el parque divite entre dos, vigila que los grandes no peguen al de 3, no le tiren arena o no le de por irse, y como te despistes un min el pequeño se estará comiendo la arena o chupando gustoso la pala… absolutamente exausta y ya por fin con i marido de apoyo, llega a casa bañalos o que los bañe mi marido y prepara algo rico sano y nutritivo en 10- 15 min que dura el baño. visto al mayor mientras su padre ya con el plato en la mesa para el pequeño… y el pequeño diciendo que quiere cenar. a eso de las 22 :00 -22:30 conseguimos que se acuesten despues de lavar dientes, pis, bibi, cuento… y cuendo por fin se quedan dormidos… ni veo tele ni leo libros, ni hago nada de nada de nada que me haga ser una persona porque estoy muerta de sueño y me acuesto deseando que esta noche pueda dormir pero en una o dos horas empieza la fiesta noche si noche no y no duermo, como una mierda, tengo los nervios nerviosos siento que he perdido el control de mi vida, que todo es una mierda y que no quiero vivir así, que si que hay quien vive peor, quien encima no tiene trabajo, que si tal y que si cual pero yo solo se que hoy por hoy no puedo mas, que cuando una persona se levanta y se acuesta a merced de los demas, sin tener tiempo ni de depilarse las asquerosas piernas llenas de costras de psoriasis…. ni poder descansar 10 min haciendo algo por gusto que no sea trabajar trabajar y trabajar sin descanso… solo quiero morirme y dejar de existir. Porque no puedo mas. y encima me siento una persona absolutamente horrible por todo lo anterior.
    un abrazo y gracias por este espacio del desahogo

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    Bonos: How have you seen this disconnectin your own social interaction?

    Birch: I had an ex boyfriend tell me that I was so sure of myselfthat I was going to scare guys. I’ve also had situations where, On first occassions, Men will say the likes of: “I can’t have a lady right now,they could bethinking about moving, Going to grad school or taking a job out of state. It’s colombian girls a very building thing of: One thing comes prior to the other.

    males are kind of stuck in that norm, Where plants provide. They put that pressure on his or her selves. I started to see that a lotin my dating life. The guys whowere settled were keen on pursuing things and seeing where it would go; They had a courting mind set. The guys who were not settled or didn’t know where they were likely to be, Didn’t know if they are able to provide, Were very skittish about making a firm commitment or going in that direction.

    Please stop yelling in your dating app outlines. it certainly is not helping.]

    Bonos: I’ve seen that undeniably. Why does that sense of men wanting to be a provider exist when so many couples expect that both partnerswill be working?

    Birch: It’s for certain the norm. Women are showing that we can be that equal carrier. But you can these ingrained gender roles.

    There’s studies on how dads interact with their daughters with many different complex emotional language, And it assists them be well rounded; Whereas we talk to boys about success and being at the top and pride. When it’s impressed uponboys and men intuitively,I think by the time they get older they’re not even fully aware that positive attitude pressures they have or where they came from.

    Bonos: If men aren’t fully aware of what’s holding rid of it, How do each gender date smarter?

    Birch: If you listen strongly, Men will indicate where they’re at. many of them will drop hints about: “I want to work out, or else “It’d be nice to have a fixed term partner, Whereas somebody who’s in flux can tell you they’re works in progress (Which we each are).

    professionally, You can kind of decide what’s worth your investment capital and how to structure your time wisely. There were a lot of women in my book who ended up dating men who all their friends and family said: “do not do it. he’s not going to put a label on it. He’s taking eternally. he could be so skittish, But a lot of the women learned that they had to be patient and work through it on someone level with these guys who were putting so much pressure on themselves to provide, Which I thought was cheap.

    Bonos: How dowomen know when to buy a man who’s not quite ready yet?

    When you’re getting a partnership, You have to check out trajectory as a positive one, If they seem to be on their way versus just kind of stagnant and feeling things out. Having that vision of where they want to be even if they’re a bit behind is much better.

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  54. Care appropriate abuse

    So a funny thing happened yesterday when I was at my 2nd therapy consultation. all right, 2nd. I have two therapists now one who is certified in domestic abuse and the new guy who is a trauma specialist who is seeing me until I can get into my psychiatrist to discuss a possible PTSD diagnosis. (adore, Both therapists are fairly certain I have PTSD, It’s just not technically diagnosed yet.)

    alright, The new guy was referencing self care as that is a difficult thing for me. insufficient time, required, And most self care items just seem like something else on a to do list. He seriously suggested that I go hire a roofer to just fool around with and let off some steam.

    This after several months of my primary therapist gently pushing me to consider dating again at some point. I tend to have kind of a dark spontaneity, So I jokingly took this as both my therapist are telling me I want to get laid. It’s funny if I look at it like that. outfits my background, You know that we are still not divorced from my abusive STBX, despite if almost a year since he first filed. wedding ceremony was over long before that point. I’ve let go of that hope that he would change and we could be together again, I’ve grieved him actually and my marriage in general, And I’ve created a new sort of normal with my three kiddos. I’ve done a lot of work in therapy to figure out why I picked him to begin and how I can avoid getting stuck with another abuser.

    I don’t even think anyone who knows my situation would think that it’s too soon for me to jump into dating or even just a happy NSA type hook up. I just cannot quite get there.

    It’s not that i don’t want sex. (it is years, I’m dying right here.) I would actually love to just have a guy treat me like a queen and pump up my confidence a brief summary. It’s all fine and dandy to think that I’m hot shit or whatever, But a lot more memory I have of a guy “looking for” Me was STBX and that is tied to my memories of how he looked at me with such contempt and hatred meanwhile. I’d kind of like for him to not be the last guy I’m ever with you know?

    But romantic relationship. can’t do it. It’s not even that I feel like I’m not ready. It’s that I don’t feel like I is ever going to be ready. I just seem like he broke too much and it’s too late to heal it. in front of I met him, I didn’t have a lot of exposure to dating and relationships and what experience I had was not great. much of the guys I was with, Even shortly, Were either psychologically abusive or gave off all the red flags. I dumped numerous for those reasons, So it’s not like I can’t see it or that I usually stick around putting up with it. the other hand of that is, I’ve never had a good affectionate. I have no idea what that feels like.

    I don’t know what it looks enjoy having a supportive partner. I don’t understand how to have good communication or what intimacy even really means. I try to picture this stuff when I’m single and I realized the other day, A lot of my problem is that I’m trying to find out intellectually what most people learn through experience. I haven’t already been through it.

    And I worry that this is of the types of guys I attract. It’s like I have a target on my forehead which abusive dudes seek me out and regular, stable dudes can’t even see me. I’ve spent many years single and lonely and I’ve done about everything I can think to change my problems. I’ve tried online dating sites, hinting around guys out, sacrificing strong hints, getting out and finding new hobbies, want to bars, Not distributed to bars. heck, I’ve even tried changing my appearing (truly seemed to work the best of anything even though I hated how I looked).

    So part of it is that my prior experience tells me that even working to get out there is just an exercise in futility that will waste my time and make me even more emotionally fragile. The best case scenario is that I find no one and the worst case scenario is that I find someone like my STBX. I just don’t know that I want to spend my limited time and effort on this pursuit when I truly don’t believe there is much chance of things going well. They never did prior to now and I feel like I just have a bigger target on my forehead than I did before. I know very well what my traumas are, I’ve resolved them the best that I can, But i am unable to fix them, you’re certain?

    I kinda don’t even know if what I’m feeling is normal. I’ve never really had a lot of girlfriends to talk to and I spend most of my time in therapy treating other, Bigger troubles. Figuring out how to fix my loneliness or even regardless of whether it is worth it to try seems so far down the list I just don’t bring it up. Which makes me think that I’m obviously not ready and I shouldn’t even be planning on dating or sex if I’m still this messed up.

    But I’m single. I’d love to have some sexytimes with a hot dude. (That might appear to be a fun thing to try once, straight?) Both my experienced counselors have brought it up, so perhaps it’s not like I’m as fucked up as I think I am? i don’t know.

    I’d really just appreciate stories or thoughts online dating moldova from those who have moved on from abusive relationships. How via the internet were ready? How did you deal with knock back when you were already feeling fragile? Do I really have to dye my hair blonder again? et cetera.

    Maybe it’s the free sites versus the paid? I was on Match in older times. Only paid for 6 months though as I got the free 6 months for not managing to very much meet anyone.

    Funny which is enough, My friend used to log into my account to search for dudes. She’d tell them right away that she was not the person in my profile and they would always message back, Sight unseen. She got more dates using my profile to go shopping for dudes. She couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong either.

    I guess I have to understand Tinder, right? hmm. lost I have the spoons for that. And a lot of time before that, in the process. possibly I was looking, Sometimes I was not. It didn’t seem to change anything more, in any event,in any case.

    I’ve spent many countless alone, Doing my own diamond ring thing, getting to know myself and whatever. It’s not that I don’t like me, I’m just kind of sick and tired of me. I’m always on the market. (it is a joke, if it seemed serious.)

    If I want nearly anything, perhaps NSA sex, I have to do something to change my current considerations. how, i’m not sure. I just know that if I focus by myself thing and do what I want, Years will go by and I will just get hornier and slightly more pissed off about it. I just miss how it works and it seems exhausting to try. I trust my therapist and she gives me great advice for nurturing myself, when I don’t always want to hear it.

    I just don’t know if this is those types of times where I push back and say “Not for my situation” Or where I try to get out of my comfort zone and follow her advice. And now my 2nd counselor bringing it up is making me question even more.

    i’m not sure if I can handle the trying and the inevitable failing. I’m probably not happy as is. I don’t know how ascertain what I want, Laying alone in bed right before bedtime. I feel like I’ve kind of reached the limits of knowing myself by sitting trapped in my own head. I need to get to know myself poor experiences.

    But you can’t force an experience that concerns other people. So I end up lounging around, procrastinating. but overthinking.

    I spent from 14 27 in bad romance. I just couldn’t really grasp what people were expounding on when they talked about good relationships. It sounded phony, fabricated. I hopped far from guy to guy. Some were abusive, Some were garden assortment asses, Some were decent people but there we were incompatible. Then I met my now husband’s comments. to be truthful, all things just clicked. I hate that that comments “mythic” y simply. It really wasn’t at all like a mythic. make an effort to both to focus on yourself interest, needs, generates, acquaintances, etcetera. AND to move on some dating sites/apps. You be the goal. Only use the dating apps delicately, Not thinking about it you’re scrolling for a hookup/boyfriend/whatever. shop around, Think about what you need, What you like and what you abhor, What you’d want a possible partner to see in you, And dip your toes in if you feel like it message, tease, anything, you’re compelled.

    I think maybe you should start with SELF care. Get some sextoys. Get something you think you’ll like and also different things to try. Get a set of vagina weights and work out together. Relearn your body and build some sexual self confidence.

    of course, Date you. acquire some “attention” Food independently and eat it by candlelight. Take yourself out, does not need to be expensive, walk-through some quirky urban shops and have a “eat outside” Lunch with a meal on a park bench.

    self-care is doing nice things for you. It sounds like dating would just be another ball for you to juggle right now.

    Oh human, I would love to single lady it up with you. I look dreadful as a blonde, as. I a redhead, There just no two ways as much as it. But truly, I dyed my hair quite a light brown, Which is apparently blonde compared to my actual hair color and oof. negative. It was jarring for me and I didn want myself at all. instantly two dudes were interested in me. most notably, I went from an 8 year dry spell to 2 guys texting me at exactly the same time. Maybe I should try it just to see outcomes and report back here. But I afraid I will just get disheartened about how shallow dudes are. Are not shallow dudes at hand, correct? yes.

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